the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
