For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
