remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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