I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
