At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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