Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
God, you're like boner-b-gone
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Holy shit dude........stairs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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