I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
