I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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