Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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