Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
