I wish I only lived at night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
