Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're a waste of cheezeits
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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