I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
