Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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