well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
