Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
