i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
