it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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