trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
