News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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