i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
