The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
