I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
