I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
