Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
