Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
