How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
