Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
