my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
