I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
