I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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