I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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