well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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