so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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