I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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