I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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