This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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