She's JV to your varsity
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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