I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
