Betty ford says i'm here all night
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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