Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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