He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
