The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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