and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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