I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
