Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
