I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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