cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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