can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
