Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
