I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
